


And Then They Copulated

by MiscLee



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Alcohol, F/M, Sexual Content, Sexual Intercourse, if you have any tagging suggestions please help I am so lost at this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-02
Updated: 2018-06-02
Packaged: 2019-05-17 05:04:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14825808
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MiscLee/pseuds/MiscLee
Summary: The sexiest story about sex to have ever sexed ever.AKA, the night that Lyra and Aldor had sexual intercourse.





	And Then They Copulated

It was a cold, wintery night at the tavern, just after an exciting life-or-death fight, when Lyra presented Aldor a beautiful set of armor for his birthday. It was expensive, well-made, with a very high armor class, and despite not having any magical enchantments, the armor fit Aldor's arms and torso perfectly.

“I've been taking notes of your measurements, like whenever you take your armor off to go to sleep or take a bath. Not like I watch you while you sleep or anything,” she rambled. There was an awkward pause when Aldor switched his gaze from the armor to her face. Oh wow, his eyes were beautiful. They looked kind of concerned, though? Oh, right. “Or when you bathe! I definitely don't watch you do that!”

Aldor looked intently at the armor again, weighing it in his hands, rubbing the gilded trim and admiring the polish. It definitely cost a lot of money, much more than he could ever make in the Slayer's Take. After another glance at Lyra's bespectacled face, he took a big swig of his ale. Then he summoned another mug from the barkeep and downed that. For good measure, he grabbed Lyra's cup and downed that as well. Before she could say anything, he closed his eyes, took hold of her head with his hands, gripping her hair tightly, and gave her a fierce kiss.

There was a moment of hesitation on Lyra's part, her eyes wide with surprise and delight, until she was just _in_ him. Like really in there with tongue and stuff. His mouth was closed though, so her tongue kind of just licked against his clenched teeth and lips a bit, but it was definitely the best kiss she'd ever had out of all her previous kisses, which were non-existent. Sure, his breath stunk from alcohol, and it would have been nice if he had chewed a mint leaf first, but wow Lyra was actually kissing Aldor right now, oh wow.

When the two finally broke apart, they were both out of breath, although not really from arousal but from a lack of oxygen because they had been entwined for an uncomfortable amount of time. Aldor had tried ending the kiss earlier, but Lyra kept holding onto him. Luckily he was able to escape the grapple before either of them passed out, and the two were left panting.

Lyra was ready to just strip naked right there, but they were in the middle of public, so Aldor lead her to one of the bedrooms upstairs. Before that, though, he put on his new armor, which looked really hot on him, and downed two more mugs of ale. Then they went into one of the private rooms, and Lyra immediately dropped her dress and underclothes. She attempted talking dirty in a sultry voice, but like higher-pitched because her voice couldn't really get that low and sexy, until Aldor interrupted her with another kiss.

After breaking from that grapple five minutes later, he undid his pantaloons to expose his penis. He stroked it for a minute or two to maintain an erection of about five inches in length, which was fairly average for a human man but also good to know for Lyra's future reference.

“How do you want to do this?” Aldor asked like the extremely capable and considerate gentleman that he was. He couldn’t decide whether to initiate coitus in bed or against a wall or something else, so Lyra tackled him onto the bedding, which dealt bludgeoning damage to both when Aldor hit his head against the bed frame and Lyra hit her head against Aldor's new armor.

But even while concussed and drunk, the two managed to reposition themselves so Aldor could insert his penis into Lyra's vagina in the missionary position. They then proceeded to copulate for three to five minutes until one or both of them either orgasmed, passed out from booze or head injury, or both.

Aldor must not have remembered what happened that night due to concussion or inebriation, because in the morning he had already left Lyra alone in the bedroom and afterward stopped talking to her. He still wore the armor, so hopefully he remembered it a little bit. At the very least he must still have feelings for her!

For Lyra, though, it was definitely the best intercourse she'd ever had out of all her previous experiences, which were non-existent.

 

“So yeah, that was the time Aldor and I had sexual intercourse!”

“That was the most unsexiest sex I've ever heard,” Scanlan said, smiling in disbelief as his tiny horse trotted beside Lyra’s through the forest. “And you just keep saying that word. _Intercourse?_ Who even says that?”

“So that's it? You drank ale and then you had 'intercourse,’ the end?” Grog followed along on his near-ruined warhorse. Drinking ale and fucking were his favorite pastimes, so he had hoped this story would have been more entertaining.

“Oh, well, if you wanted me to go into more detail, you see, after inserting his genitalia into mine, Aldor pulled out his penis and reinserted it several times, and then-”

“No, why would you encourage her?” Percy groaned with dismay.

“Grog, may I remind you we had previously made a murder-suicide pact?” The goliath could feel the dark, necrotic energy of Zahra's Hex run up his spine.

“We all survived slaying a white dragon, and yet _this_ is how we die.” Vex stared into the distance, soul almost leaving her body. Sweet death could only be so swift.

 

After two more long, agonizing days, the group finally returned to Vasselheim, vowing never to ask Lyra about Aldor or her sex life ever again.

**Author's Note:**

> This is all because, while trying to write a different nsfw fic, I reached the part where I actually had to write The Sex™ and realized I had no idea what the fuck I was doing
> 
> I still don't


End file.
